"I have my doubts, but what if I'm right?".. And the attack of the Lesbian Rebelion

Dear reader,

     I can all do but apologise for my lack of writing, to be honest - I didn't even think this ever got read. I thought I just sent my problems out into the world, I didn't know if anyone would take the time and pick them up. Thank-you for that.. =)

     But I should explain what I've been upto in the past month. Last time we spoke, I spoke of a blind date. Well, his name was Douglas, or Dougie. And he turned out to be great! First date we went out for just a simple coffee, which I always do. Means I can cut it short if I need to, always go into these situations with my sister Sophia on standby with some reason to call me and tell me to leave. But I told her to stand down, as I was very intergued and he seemed very keen on me. So I decided after coffee, we'd walk! And we walked for along time, up from Marble Arch to Trafalgar Square and then back upto Centre Point, which is a fair distance. We just talked, he wanted to get to know me which I guess was nice.
     After it started to get dark, I suggested going for a drink at a bar. And then after the drink he loosened up abit and asked if I wanted a spot of late dinner! Which shocked me even more, no man has ever paid for me on a date, it actually shocked me! The night was very charming in my eyes, and to cut the story short folks - I'm still dating him. We've met up for dinners and other things for 4 weeks now, we're on date 8 on Friday!
     But reader, I have my reservations. I've been single, no man attached to me for more then 18 months now. I havn't dated a man for more then 5 weeks in this time. I seemed to get scared and find faults, dump them or find some way for them to dump me. I like Dougie, I really do.. I can't seem to find faults with him. He's sweet, kind, loving, cares about me and to be honest pretty cute in my eyes. My friends like him and so does Sophia, even Rose! I don't know, maybe once you've learned to be lonely, it's just a so process undoing all the defences. I have my doubts, but what I'm right in thinking this could be one that lasts for awhile?

     In adition to the next major thing in my life, I beleive the past summer I had was harsh - more then I usually handle. So I, and my doctor, decided a course of Citilopram was in order, just to get me back on track with my thought path. For people who don't know what that is, it is a mild Anti-depressant. I have been feeling alot more low, alone and sleep deprived then usual, and I am worried as now it is affecting people around me and my work. I don't like talking about it, but I beleive that I just need that little extra push until things start getting better...

     In other news besides my love life, my university work is looking up and my LGBT is more successful! However, I have a small Coup-de-tah to stop, as a small group of 7-12 lesbians might call a vote of no confidence in me, which would remove my presidency of our group. It hurt to hear their reasons, they claim that I am bias to gay men, wish to make the group gay orientated and also to not represent Lesbian issues enough in the group. I think what hurt most was the fact I do all these things, but the 7-12 in question have not been to the meetings or events to see such things. The meeting is this friday, where I decided to let them speak first. This gives me then the rest of the meeting to get the audiences confidence in me by responding to their advances and also correcting them.

      It's harsh, it would involve making them look like fools being slammed down. But I feel inclined from the way they aproached me about the situation. They did not come to me with their problems and ask if I could help or fix them, nor did they go to any other authority like the Student Union. They have just gone in and warned me that they will call this vote without trying to solve it privately. They also confronted me agressively in a crowd of people on the street during a break in a lecture.. So I guess they have it coming. It's a good job I have a politician mother, I have experience in this.

     Anyway, I hope you are well - dear reader - Just know whereever you are and whoever you are, I love you for reading this, makes me smile knowing that someone reads these small rant entries.

With love, Always..

Kenai
x x x

Trident, Sex and a whole lot of nothing..

Dear reader,

      Hello again, I guess I should write on this more - but I have always hated blogger's that blog everyday. I like to leave it until I actually have something I'd like to tell or discuss with you, until something actually happens in my life or around me before I start talking about it. So I hope you understand my very irregular posts.

      In other news, you're looking at the President of his universities LGBT (Which is the group of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender people). It may not seem big, but I'm in charge of over 200 people at my university and in control of what they do for extra curricular activities and entertaining new freshers. I was very happy to have overwhelming 96% of the vote. I guess having nice eyes and a large opinion actually counts for something in the world. Maybe next I shall be Prime minister? No? ... Okay =( But, whole reason I have mentioned this would be the huge mess I had to do by calling, emailing and down right stalking charities to get sponsorship for our organisation. Without it, we don't have an operating budget and the LGBT people are our university suffer. Finally today I got an email by a nice man who works for GMFA, a gay male based charity that specialises in free funding and other things for students. Did make me scream with joy that I was elected to do a job that no one could be arsed to do, and accomplished it.

      But, I do want to say that my friend, who in my last post was having obvious problems, seems to be feeling allot better about herself. Rose did not really like how her world was going and I suppose what her life was turning into, future looked bleak and her body image was in her eyes short, fat and not attractive. I've spent the past week by her side, making her smile and giving her some new memories to treasure, I just hope this is enough to keep her afloat for a few months until she is in proper help. I have to admit, I did cry for the first time over it at the weekend. Now I know that may seem weird to you, dear reader, but to me it is a big deal. I do not cry, never really have, never really will. But, when something hits me, I cry big time... On Saturday the 11th there was more tears coming out of my eyes then water tipping over Angel Falls. All the stress of the summer, Rose, the fact that the guy I liked most of the summer Cory stood me up, all came out in a big mush, while I was at a friends house... Then I vomited =) Haha! Oh the joy! I guess it helped getting it all out, but not for next time, I shouldn't have a lot of wine before hand..

      While on the tube yesterday, I did see a story that interested me greatly! There was an article about the renewal of the Trident weapons system, and it's implications. Now, I am a proud Liberal Democrat, and during the election we campaigned on removing the system all together. But now under the new coalition government, we have seemed to have backed down. I am very passionate about this, I think renewing this system is a waste of money we cannot afford to spend right now. The newspaper stated that it is an estimated £21.8bn to renew our system, which would include new warheads, new missiles and 4 new Vanguard II class submarines. 

      However, I believe that this is a waste of money for a fleet of 4 submarines that will never be used for more then patrols. Fair enough, I understand the need for a deterrent. I understand that bad guys that don't like our little nation have big guns too, so therefore we need big guns so they don't fire their guns. But I believe you should use the money to make better guns, not the same big guns we did before. Why not spend the money on building 2 of the most technological battleships on the planet? Or 30 state of the art stealth bombers? Or, my personal favourite, bio weaponry. Now, Bio weapons are very controversial subject, as people don't like their implications. However they are not much different from Nuclear Weapons, there is only one difference; Nuclear wipes out the wealth of a nation and the population, while bio weapon's destroy the population and leave the wealth of the country in fact. That, is a real deterrent. Nuclear is outdated, other nations know we will never use them. New age calls for a new weapon in my eyes, a new threat. So if we have to renew our deterrent, make it something worth while.

     But I am more interested in what you think about this, reader? Do you think we should renew, not renew, or replace with a better weapon? My mother is very passionate on getting rid of everything, and even halving the size of the army to pay for better education and better health care. Great plan but would that work?

     Anyhow, I believe that counts as my weekly ramble. I shall sign off with that I have a blind date tomorrow, as my friend felt sad about me being stood up, so set me up on a blind date with their friend. Oh fun, lets see how this goes..

     With love, always

Kenai

x

When a Summer closes, an Autumn opens..

     As we now see the close of the summer of 2010, I can't help but feel releaved more then anything else. I suppose summer is meant to be the best thing in the world for a student; no work, no essays, no troubles in the world for you to go off and have fun. Unfortunately from very early on that was not the case..

    But, alas, I have started Autumn now. The time of the year where the world starts to shed it's skin, ready to reborn itself. Which I guess I am going to have to do after my summer of being made homeless, staying on a friends floor, running away 200 miles and then failing my year, but I will still look forward.
    However, last night my friend tried to commit suicide. She came into our house of which we share very down after a walk. I then found two packets of 16 Paracetamol tablets, which after half hour of question with the very much close to passing out friend, she told me she downed all of them with a bottle of wine on the park, and didn't want to continue with her life here. After some time of hugging her and telling her she was stupid, she then collasped.
     I rang the abulence thinking the worse but calmingly telling them what had happened, following the instructions. Ringing my sister Sophia, who was in London, to come over to King's Hospital quickly.

     Most stressful part of the entire ordeal was the waiting area. I was in the waiting area for over an our while they gave her the treatment. And after having to wait 4 hrs for them to test her blood and figure out how much to give her, at 2am while I had to wait in this room I had nothing else to think about then the remark I said to her on the way out of the door..

"Alright, but don't go kill yourself - I want you back in one peice!"

      After a few hours of waiting, they transfered her off of the Major Incidents ward and onto CDU where she can recover, by this point it was 5am, and I was rather tired and in need of a good sandwich to be honest, but I never left her side. The entire time she resisted treatment at every turn she could, which baffled me. In my opinion, her life was okay, however I do not know her well enough to judge. But also what has always pondered me is, what on earth makes people beleive that there is no other option, reason or strength to carrying on any longer to do such a thing? Who could ever do this to their friends or family? How can someone be convinced that swallowing 32 little pills, calmly falling asleep was an answer?

     But, dear reader, I am thankful to say that I took her home this morning after she recovered successfully and after a small psych-evaluation. She stil was not very happy with me, that I had rang the abulence and dragged her to a place where she "did not want have to be the last thing she looked at.." But I was not willing, however much I am a good friend to her, to comply to her wishes and leave her to sleep in her bed like she wanted to.

    However, what baffled me more was that she awoke today like nothing had ever happened. Like she had just had a bad dream and wanted to be her bouncy and bubbley self, forgetting that I had only had 4 hrs sleep after staying up all night while she was being pumped clean, holding her hand.

    My question would be, has anyone else out there been in this position? Can anyone guide me through... As right now, I found it very hard today to even look at her after she was smiling her face off like nothing happened. Can someone help me..?

    Well, I am sorry for the morbid post today. I hope I can post another better one soon. I have a another date with the guy I like soon, maybe I'll have something to share then. Until then..

With love,

Kenai

x

   

"I've kissed more dolphins then men..! Fuck my life.. =("

      One of the funniest and most head shaking terms I have ever heard come out of any close friend of mine...

      I am 20 years young, and I have been actively dating since I was a teen. But when I got onto a convosation of our sexlives with a good friend of mine, she muttered the words that she had only kissed 3 men in her entire life, and only seen one naked (yet shes kissed 3 dolphins). Now, I thought with boys it just must be different. Maybe we're just born players? But it seems after doing some more indepth research then I intended, Alot of my friends did not even have their first kiss until they were 16-17, let alone even let anyone touch them until 18.

     I had my first kiss when I was 13. It is actually one of the clearest memories I have from that period of my life, deep in the heart of the previous blank void of no memories I have in my head. He was a friend of mine, and we were in his room and he asked if I had ever kissed a guy before. He was older, 15, and he didn't wait long for my obvious no answer and just leaned in a puckered up. In others eyes, it was just two boys kissing... My eyes it was magical. But soon as I had a taste, I needed more. I experimented from 13 onwards, with him and other boys I managed to corner. 

     I guess what I'm wondering, did I do this too early? I can't help to wonder if the reason I have not had a serious relationship, or managed to keep a guy down for more then 2 weeks is due to the way I am or is it that I rushed through things. Did me experimenting early leave nothing left for me to have now I have completed my second decade on this Earth?

     I'll stop rambling now.

     In other news, there is a new guy on the horizon. We have been texting alot, not actually been on an actual date yet. To be honest I'm alittle scared to ask him. His name is Cory, 19 and living in Croydon. I'll keep you updated as I try and score a first date... =)

     I suppose I have annoyed you enough for one evening, and I shall take my leave.

     Goodnight,

     Kenai

     x x x
(Photo: Part of my BA Degree work)

Runaway..

      To be honest, I never thought I'd ever run away from problems. But it seems, gentle readers, that Kenai Lewis Adams does in fact travel miles on end to hide from the smallest of things.

      A few days ago, me and my elder sibling Kate, had a argument. It was petty, it was stupid. It was 10am, and I was awoken with the sound of my cheesy Power Rangers ring tone, and then after only 2 hours sleep answered it. Kate had rang me to see if I could go and take her son and her to the Museum, and she'd treat me to lunch if I did. Now, with only 2 hours sleep I wanted to stay in bed, but I was forced out of guilt of not seeing them often these days to get up and dressed.
     Half hour later she rang again to ask where I was, and I won't lie I was only just stepping into the shower. Kate then complained that I was taking the piss and decided to not go anyway, which in turn I contested to as I had just got up now. The argument is hazy from then on, as we threw insults back on forth hurting each others feelings, and hitting hearts with such accurate aim. She muttered words such as "Kenai, you failing university is your own problem.. So stop using it as an excuse not to see me", Which in my defence I have resit essays to do, And I threw back that she should stop using her 3 year old son as an excuse to walk the 20minute walk to me.
     Then, my friends, she pulled out a big gun. She then retaliated with a nuke, not a bullet, with "Don't try and make out I'm a bad person, you don't even care about your cancer ridden father!" Now, that hurt.

     In April, my biological father with diagnosed with stage 3 progressive testicular cancer. And I have been handling it very well. It seems that as I am the only one of my many siblings not to breakdown in tears and cry on his shoulder, I am evidently heartless.
     I decided not to shout at Kate, or like her - say something I was going to regret. So I decided putting the phone down was the best possible way of getting myself out of that conversation!

     However, it has not stopped here. It seems, that with that and the stress of my resits, that I have seemed to snap slightly. As, my dear readers, I am in Shropshire right now, Relaxing in my friends country home. I have run away from my problems in London, and came up north to the Midlands to finish my work and clear my head. Seemed like a good idea, but I can't help thinking that maybe I am slightly a coward, maybe? My problems with my sister are going to be there when I return, so why did I run?

     In other news, my sleeping problems and memory have been getting worse and more deviant. I have a doctors appointment in a weeks time to sort things out, so hopefully that should help things along. But my dreams have become more vivid. I dream of memories I know, but the things I are blank and I can't remember, my dreams seem to have an inventive way of filling in the gaps with whatever takes their fancy at the time. It is weird...

    Anyway, I shall leave you now. Thank-you for reading and wherever you are, leave this page knowing I love you.

Kenai.

x

P.S - While I was here, I took a picture of a Bluebell for you.

Let there be light..

      Kenai. (Pronounced Kee-ni)
      That is what people call me. I guess, it’s unique - maybe something that shows someone that it’s me. It is what is written on that piece of paper my mother holds dear, but it is a symbol of what I am. Which I guess, as I think about it now at 23:30pm, I am just full of symbols. Decision’s, not all made by me, that have lead me down path’s that I had no guide to show me the way. And yet, I’m me, carrying all those symbols of my past all upon my own shoulders, with no one else holding them.
      Right now, I have no idea why I’m doing this. Typing away, not even knowing what I’m doing. I guess, I’m asking you a favour. I’m asking you to listen. Hear my side - see how I got here. I look back on my life, and all I see is a heap of confusion. To me, what is about to come out on this paper, is a heap of mess and memories, thoughts and nonsense, anything and everything that has ever crossed my mind.

      Right now, I live in Camberwell, London - Untied Kingdom. However this is not where my roots branch out too. I grew up in a small farm-locked village in the midland region, and moved to the city of London in September 2009 to train and become a teacher. I suppose this is the most important role I'll ever do in life, and I know it's not fame or fortune, but it's what I want.

     I suppose I should tell you about my life here. What it's like to be Kenai, farmboy turned Soho heartthrob? Even though I don't think that is true. I wish and live for love. I want to love, be someone's prince in shining armour, rolling into their lives on a white horse (or indeed I will settle for a white mini cooper) and cherish them. But it is hard to find that within this city. 8.1 million people, and the people I have met here seem different to the rest of the world; cold and unwilling to comprimise or surrender to another. I suppose you'll hear more about these unlucky men the more the months carry on. Carrie Bradshaw, eat your heart out!

     Also, confusingly I have parts of my past I do not remember. Sometimes it's just evenings I have blank in my memory banks, but others it's entire people and events. Weeks and months at a time I won't beable to remember, but recently I have been remembering parts of my childhood, little things. I guess it helps talking and writing things down to help me remember, so I guess you lucky readers, you'll be helping me here too.

     Anyway, I think that is enough talking for now. I hope you'll return and grant me your audience again. As I try and peice together this crazy life, and hopefully entertain you at the same time.

Much Love,
Kenai...